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Tradução - Under your gaze (Inglês)

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11 Setembro 2009 18:57  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
Dzięki znowu, Aniu!

I ask Lilian for evaluation of this poem...

CC: lilian canale
 

11 Setembro 2009 19:46  

lilian canale
Número de Mensagens: 14972
Hi Aneta, Hi iluvmilka,
Great job! I'd just suggest a few options to make it sound more natural.


The way you looked at me,
The way you still do,
Has enchanted me

When I beheld your hands
I desired their touch
Your warm voice plied me a shelter
Then...I could be myself
And I could be gorgeous


What do you think?


 

11 Setembro 2009 20:01  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
I'm ashamed! I typed "you still does"!!!

For me great, Lilian!
But what does "plied" mean? It is from "ply" and does it mean sth like "fill out" or "fulfil"?
 

11 Setembro 2009 23:23  

lilian canale
Número de Mensagens: 14972
ply/provide/supply/cater = provide what is desired or needed, especially support, food or sustenance
 

11 Setembro 2009 23:31  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
I got it!
So, it's perfect now I guess! Unless Ania has any suggestions... ?
Thank you both!
 

12 Setembro 2009 18:06  

iluvmilka
Número de Mensagens: 77
It seems to be alright. But as i said, you could use some of my ideas such alliteration just to make it more poetic but obviously its your poetry so you can choose
 

12 Setembro 2009 18:41  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
Well, maybe my poetry, but I can't decide what is more beautiful and correct in English... We think in Polish, Ania, because we are Polish. Let's trust Lilian! She is a great English expert.

Lilly, you can accept, I guess.
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:19  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
What is "plied me a shelter"? I don't understand that phrase.

Also, I'm not sure about "I could be gorgeous" - the word "gorgeous" is usually used to describe a woman who is strikingly beautiful (appearance). It can also be used for a landscape. But we almost never use it describe ourselves - it sounds a bit like boasting.
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:23  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
Doesn't it mean "provide a shelter/feeling of safety"?

He he.. It was Ania's proposition. I typed in my brigde to Lilly: "I could be beautiful"

I meant that under his gaze I could feel to be beautiful...
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:24  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
Why did you use "plied"? How about "given me" or "provided me with"?

How about this: "Your warm voice gave me a shelter from the storm" - This is a common phrase in English, and it gives the image of warmth and safety.
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:25  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
"I could be beautiful" is much better.
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:26  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
By the way, we don't say "feel to be" - we would either just say "feel beautiful" or "feel that I am/was beautiful".
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:28  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
Thank you, Laura! I appreciate your help...
I like your proposition with the idiom very much... Let's wait for Lilian...

 

12 Setembro 2009 19:27  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
If "shelter from the storm" is too long, you could say this: "Your warm voice gave me shelter" - without the article it gives the meaning you want.
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:28  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
You're welcome, Aneta - it's a beautiful poem!

 

12 Setembro 2009 19:32  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
Thank you, dear Laura! I've got more of them. Three Ania's translations of them already evaluated... I will regularly submit all of them... Could you help in improving the translations from time to time (as a native), please?
 

12 Setembro 2009 19:34  

kafetzou
Número de Mensagens: 7963
I'm sending you a pm.
 

12 Setembro 2009 22:13  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
What do you think, Lilly, after the discussion with Laura? What shall we do now?
 

12 Setembro 2009 23:56  

lilian canale
Número de Mensagens: 14972
I think if Laura is available, she is certainly a better choice to evaluate your poems as a native speaker. I'd like her to take care of them.

Laura, what do you say? Do you have some free time to help us with that?
Aneta and her poetry deserve getting the best possible translations
 

13 Setembro 2009 00:08  

Aneta B.
Número de Mensagens: 4487
Lilly, I don't agree, sorry The more people working on them, the better I believe... I wanted she jointed to our team (4 people now) and helped us too. But I still need your help, dear one. In Polish we say: "Co dwie głowy, to nie jedna" (literally: The one head isn't so good as two heads" )

Please, don't give up. I asked your opinion in the post above, because it is very important for me. Kafetzou is a native but American one. I requested about British English translations...Can you remember?
 
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