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Oversettelse - Polsk-Italiensk - Dzień się narodził...

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Kategori Poesi - Kjærlighet / Vennskap

Tittel
Dzień się narodził...
Tekst
Skrevet av Aneta B.
Kildespråk: Polsk

Dzień się narodził ponownie
Słońce wstało do wędrówki
Właśnie ukrywa się za konarami topoli
Stocznia już daje znać że pracuje
Ptaki jeszcze milczÄ…
Prom wpływa do portu
Niebo błękitnieje
Chmury w kratkÄ™ przeciÄ…Å‚ samolot

Dzień się narodził
A ja żyję nocą
A ja żyję Tobą
Anmerkninger gjeldende oversettelsen
British English

Tittel
Un giorno è sorto...
Oversettelse
Italiensk

Oversatt av Baobab
Språket det skal oversettes til: Italiensk

Un giorno è sorto...

Un giorno è sorto ancora
Il sole si alza per un viaggio
Ora si nasconde dietro i rami di pioppo
Il cantiere navale emette i suoi indaffarati suoni
Gli uccelli tacciono ancora
Un traghetto entra nel porto
Il cielo si tinge di blu
Un aeroplano taglia nuvole a scacchi

Un giorno è sorto
Ma io vivo con la notte
Vivo con te
Anmerkninger gjeldende oversettelsen
Second ending:

"Ma la notte è la mia vita
La mia vita sei tu"


In Italian, the first ending sounds better.
Senest vurdert og redigert av alexfatt - 7 Oktober 2012 17:02





Siste Innlegg

Av
Innlegg

7 Oktober 2012 11:17

alexfatt
Antall Innlegg: 1538
@Baobab

Per inviare correttamente la tua traduzione, clicca sul pulsante blu "Tradurre (Italiano)"

Cordiali saluti,

7 Oktober 2012 11:45

Baobab
Antall Innlegg: 6
Ok, fatto.

7 Oktober 2012 17:02

alexfatt
Antall Innlegg: 1538
Traduzione eccellente, complimenti!
Voto: 10/10

7 Oktober 2012 22:43

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
Thank you Baobab, for your excellent translation!

---
@Alex,
I have one little concern about "l cantiere navale emette i suoi indaffarati suoni".

You know English translation isn't literal here, just the opposite - very metaphorical.
Polish line literally reads here:

"The shipyard already gives sounds that it is working"
(=that it started working)...

7 Oktober 2012 21:50

alexfatt
Antall Innlegg: 1538
We can change "emette" with "inizia ad emettere", if you wish Aneta. Your choice. I think the translation is very very good, aestethically too. But adding a verb won't destroy anything

7 Oktober 2012 22:28

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
I believe you, Alex and I'm grateful.

I didn't mean that "emette" was wrong. I just suggested that maybe more literal translation would suit Polish original better:

-->Il cantiere navale emette che già lavora (I'm not sure I wrote it correctly)

But you know better. If Baobab's option expresses the same as I wrote in Italian above, that's fine. Metaphors are very welcome, but when people translate from English, I'm always afraid that a meaning of Polish version may be somehow lost. Do you understand my concern, dear?

7 Oktober 2012 22:28

alexfatt
Antall Innlegg: 1538
Yes dear, you did well to tell me your concern, it's a translation of your poem after all!

"Che già lavora" is correct, right, but it's less poetic Perhaps Baobab will come up with another suggestion,,,? What do you think Baobab?


7 Oktober 2012 22:42

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
Thanks for understanding, dear.

Maybe I'm less poetic than translators of my poems, hehe!

You know, I once accepted these "busy sounds" in English version, because I associated the adjective "busy" with the present participle "working", but Polish version is not that metaphorical at all, believe me.

7 Oktober 2012 22:50

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
To be precise, Polish version is:

"Il cantiere navale già ci permette di conoscere che lavora"

(The shipyard already lets us know that it's working)

8 Oktober 2012 00:59

Baobab
Antall Innlegg: 6
"Già si odono i rumori del cantiere navale"

in my opinion this sentence is better: it's more clear and it is in "poetic style".
It means: "Already you can hear the sounds of the shipyard". But please note that:
1)In Italian, it sounds much better than in English.
2)In Italian there is not the pronoun (it's indefinite).
3)I cut work/working because it's already clear that the sounds/noises generated from the shipyard are of this type. If you want to keep "work" (lavoro) you can write the sentence also in this way:
"Già si ode il lavoro del cantiere navale"
It is fine also in this way, in my opinion. Here you can see that, instead, I cut sounds/noises in order to avoid repetition.
Besides in both cases the sentence is very fluent in comparison with my first translation.
4)No metaphorical meaning here. ;-)

-----

@ Aneta B.

"Il cantiere navale emette che già lavora". This is wrong (emette + che gia' lavora).

"Il cantiere navale già ci permette di conoscere che lavora" this is correct but it sounds a little weird and twisted.

Ciao! :-)


8 Oktober 2012 10:46

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
Ciao Baobab,

Thank you for your work. I like both your proposals, though they are still very metaphorical, meanwhile the first verse of my poem is more like prose (it describes daily life), yet the second verse (the last three lines) are stricte poetic. But my poor Italian translations were not to be options for you, they were only my direct translations from Polish original to show you a structure of the Polish line. Don't consider them options for yourself, please.

You know, I prefer "the shipyard" was a subject in the sentence, not "we". All lines of the verse have "non-living" subjects:
1. a day
2. the sun
3. it (=the sun)
4. the shipyard
5. birds
6. a ferry
7. the sky
8. a plane

Hope you understand what I mean.
I believe you and Alex will take a good decision.
Thank you so much to you both.

8 Oktober 2012 10:58

Baobab
Antall Innlegg: 6
Ciao Aneta, I try to answer and to help you:

1) I don't understand what you mean for "metaphorical". The sentence "Già si odono i rumori del cantiere navale" means "it's possible to hear the (working) sounds of the shipyard". It's a very literal meaning... where is the metaphor?

2) I agree about the subjects of the lines. Even if in the sentence of the shipyard the subject is not "we" but it is "i rumori" (reflexive form), it's different from the original text.

I can translate

"il cantiere navale già produce/emette/diffonde i suoi suoni/rumori"

This is not wrong but in my opinion, for a poetic line this structure of the sentence is not very suitable. For this reason, if it not a problem, I suggest to change the subject: to use "the sounds/noises" and reflexive form. In this way it sounds very poetic. Even if, of course the subject is not in the begin of the sentence (but also in the previous line it is not in the begin since it is implicit).

Maybe someone else can give us other version of the line and other solutions! :-)

8 Oktober 2012 11:17

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
When I say "metaphorical" I mean it is not litteral, because a true literal translation of Polish: "Stocznia już daje znać że pracuje"
would be:
"The shipyard already lets us know that it has started working".

English translation "The shipyard utters out its busy sounds" is also just metaphorical.

I never use a word "sounds" or "busy sounds" in my poem. It was the translator's into English (Aleksander's) idea. Yet I accepted this as long as the adjective "busy" referred somehow to "work", "working" etc.

Anyway I wouldn't like the first 8 lines were poetic or metaphorical. They are just to be prosaic and to contrast the final three poetic lines.

8 Oktober 2012 11:35

Baobab
Antall Innlegg: 6
Ok, so if you don't want "sound" and you want a prose line this can be simple and ok:

"il cantiere navale ha già iniziato a lavorare"

You can see that I cut "...lets us to know" cos in my opinion it is superfluous here.
But if you want it, you can write:

"il cantiere navale ci fa sapere/ci comunica/ci informa che ha già iniziato a lavorare"

This is correct. But in my opinion the line is better without "ci fa sapere/ci comunica/ci informa" (besides, this is a methafor since the shipyard doesn't "communicate" with people

8 Oktober 2012 12:16

Aneta B.
Antall Innlegg: 4487
"il cantiere navale ha già iniziato a lavorare"

You're right it is a bit metaphorical.
The shipyard can't inform anybody...
But the version with "busy sounds" wasn't so close to the Polish original as this one.


Grazie mille e mi dispiace se mi prendi
un po' faticosa...

8 Oktober 2012 23:45

alexfatt
Antall Innlegg: 1538
Sorry if I'm not taking part in this discussion, I promise I'll do so as soon as I have some free hours.

Thank you both, grazie per la vostra collaborazione