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27 Червня 2008 00:31 |
| | Ouch handyy! 
This one will be tough!  Let's start with this part:
"As long as I tell, winter strikes my lines
As long as I tell, my heart both feels cold and gets warm, too."
Put that in different words to see if I get it. 
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29 Червня 2008 22:58 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 |  I knew that it was gonna be tough..
-- (actually, first sentence is figurative.) anyway, here "strike" means -for light, a shadow, rain, etc.- "to fall on". (for example: A bright light struck her face.)
-- as for the second sentence; During the time that I tell/narrate, my hearth feels cold, and at the same time it gets warm. |
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29 Червня 2008 23:10 |
| | That's what I thought.
It doesn't make sense because you used "as long as" instead of "while" or "as".
What you mean is that " things happen at the same time"
"As I speak, the winter strikes my lines
As I speak, my heart feels cold and also gets warm"
What do you think? |
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29 Червня 2008 23:13 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 |  done! |
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30 Червня 2008 01:27 |
| | OK, but that was just the beginning 
Let's go on to the 3rd and 4th lines...
"My geraniums also didn't blossom today
Perhaps, they're offended by colours "
That "also" in the negative sentence does not sound well, it should be "either". But the syntax should change to:
"Today, my geraniums didn't blossom either
Perhaps they are ('ve gotten/feel) offended by the colours"
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29 Червня 2008 23:55 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 |  Ooooops! (will we go through all lines?  )
ok, I'll edit it, too. |
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30 Червня 2008 00:15 |
| | Come on! It's not that hard!
"On my hands are what I couldn't live as if they were sins
In other words, I'm fading without you
I'm dying bluely and bluely "
What is there in your hands? Those things you couldn't experience?
In that case it could be:
"In my hands, as sins, are the things I couldn't live".
That "bluely and bluely" I think should be "bluer and bluer" or just one "bluely".
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30 Червня 2008 00:26 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | In my hands, as sins, are what I couldn't live.
can I say it like that?
(btw, ı am hopeful about the rest lines. should I ?? ) |
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30 Червня 2008 00:55 |
| | "the experiences I couldn't have" would sound better.
Is that the meaning? |
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30 Червня 2008 01:14 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | That is REALLY better!
thankss |
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30 Червня 2008 01:24 |
| | Ok, now...finally:
" Can you hear (me)? Are you there?
Do you exist or not?
Don't forget(remember?) just one thing:
Burning, breaking down,
and crying, all the time you come back to my mind." (Who's burning, etc....? I? you?) |
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30 Червня 2008 01:33 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | (finally! )
-- Burning, (...) I loved you! |
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30 Червня 2008 01:47 |
| | So, if it's I'm burning...I think it would be better:
"I burn, break down and cry every time you come back to my mind.
I loved you"
Or did I misunderstood the meaning? |
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30 Червня 2008 03:31 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | maybe, "with burning, etc, I loved you". Is it weird? |
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30 Червня 2008 03:40 |
| | handyy, the way it is, what is undestood is that the other person, the "addressee" is the one burning, breaking down, crying.
"Don't forget just one thing:
Burning, breaking down,
and crying at all the time you come back to my mind"
See what I mean? "you" is the only subject there.
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30 Червня 2008 03:50 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | what about using an exclamation mark after "Don't forget just one thing", and, if necessary, writing "I love you" right after "...come back to my mind"??
------
Don't forget just one thing!
Burning, breaking down,
and crying at all the time you come back to my mind, I loved you!
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30 Червня 2008 04:02 |
| | Oh, now we are speaking the same language!
Punctuation works miracles!
Here is the final version:
As I speak, the winter strikes my lines
As I speak, my heart feels cold, but at the same time, it gets warm.
Today my geraniums didn't blossom either.
Perhaps, they're offended by the colours.
In my hands, as sins, are the experiences I couldn't have.
In other words, I'm fading without you.
I'm dying bluely.
Can you hear me? Are you there?
Do you exist or not?
Don't forget just one thing:
Burning, breaking down,
and crying every time you come back to my mind, I loved you!
Is that right? |
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30 Червня 2008 04:03 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | yeeeeppp, exactly  |
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30 Червня 2008 04:06 |
| |  Great!
Congrats for us!
Let's see if the poll doesn't bring any trouble
hahahaha
Good work  |
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30 Червня 2008 04:11 |
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handyyКількість повідомлень: 2118 | Congrats for you - and a little for me
sorry, as I made you tired and thanks a lot for your patience and help |
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- 30 Червня 2008 21:31