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Translation - Polish-English - Świeżo upieczeni

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This text is available in the following languages: PolishEnglish

Category Poetry - Love / Friendship

Title
Świeżo upieczeni
Text
Submitted by Aneta B.
Source language: Polish

Świeżo upieczeni

Boimy siÄ™
Czasu – złodzieja
Raz za szybki raz siÄ™ wlecze
Każe się zaraz żegnać
Daje i odbiera

Dziwimy siÄ™
Zazdrości przyjaciół
Bo taka niesprawiedliwa
Nie może zrozumieć
Jak jesteśmy szczęśliwi

Tęsknimy za sobą od wczoraj
Panicznie oddalając samotność
Myśli wiszą nam na słuchawce
Z nienasycenia spotkaniem

A może jeszcze zadzwonić?

Nieufnie uczymy się sobie ufać
Dźwigając kamienie przeszłości
Naiwnie wierzymy że się uda bez bólu
Napełnieni świętą radością

Nie słuchamy co mówi nam świat

Świeżo upieczonych przyjaciół
Żałosne próby
Uczynienia nieba na ziemi
Remarks about the translation
British English

Title
Fledglings
Translation
English

Translated by iluvmilka
Target language: English

Fledglings

We are afraid of
Time – the thief
Once it is too fast, the next time it crawls,
Tells you to say goodbye
Gives and takes

We’re surprised at
Our friends’ envy
As it is so unjust
As it cannot understand
How happy we are

We’ve missed each other since yesterday
Turning away from loneliness frantically
Our thoughts hanging on the handset
Insatiably hungry for another meeting

Maybe I should try to call again?

Suspiciously, we (still) try to trust each other
Carrying the past on our shoulders
Foolishly believing we'll no longer feel pain
Filled with holy joy.

We’re not listening to what the world is telling us

Fledgling friends
Pathetic attempts
Of making heaven on earth
Remarks about the translation
I love that poem, it's so truthful
Validated by lilian canale - 20 November 2009 13:02





Last messages

Author
Message

17 October 2009 22:44

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Thank you, Ania! I like the translation very much...

franticly --> frantically

18 October 2009 00:46

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
"Fondly we believe in painless"

I'm not sure if it shouldn't be:

Fondly we imagine/hope that it would be without pain

or sth similar...?

18 October 2009 14:17

iluvmilka
Number of messages: 77
"fondly we believe in painless filling"
isn't that right?
we can obviously use your version if you want
what do our experts think of it ?

21 October 2009 13:20

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Ania, I have some more doubts about some words..., but maybe I am wrong of course...

"Panicznie oddalając samotność"

you translated: "Rebutting the loneliness frantically"

I don't know "rebut" is a best word.

"oddalajÄ…c" literally means: moving away/receding/staving off

frantically??
panicznie = in a panic...

21 October 2009 19:33

iluvmilka
Number of messages: 77
Aneta, I have translated it the way i have because i thought i'd more appropriate but if you want to change it then do it Just remember that some of the phrases should not be translated literally, especially in poetry.
Good luck xx

21 October 2009 19:44

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
I can understand it, Ania. Just said about my doubts, but can be wrong.

I don't feel English like people who speak it regularly... So, I know my suggeations can sound artificial..

But I always prefer discussing than keeping silence... Thanks to it I learn a lot from all of you!

22 October 2009 16:56

iluvmilka
Number of messages: 77
ok What do our experts think of it? Shall we use any of Aneta's suggestions, would they fit in?


14 November 2009 12:11

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
HI girls,

This one seems to be a bit hard to render into English

Ania, you have done a great work here, but the opinion of the author herself, has to be taken into account

@ Aneta, in a translation of a poem we can't stick to literal translations of some words, but try to find a way to convey the meaning of the words, the feelings of the author.
I'd like you not to try to translate, but to explain in different words some parts so that we can get the best of your poem, OK?

Let's start with this part:

"Distrustful, we are trying to trust ourselves
Bearing stamps impressed by the past
Fondly we believe in painless
Filling of world with happiness"

What do you mean?

14 November 2009 15:20

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Well, Lilly, I really understand and agree with what you typed... Believe me. I wanted only to give you literal translation for understanding the(misterious )Polish source correctly and then you would be able to propose sth really perfect as usual.
Translating of poems is quite like translating proverbs or idiomatic expressions... It shouldn't be litteral at all!
I really believe you do the best for my poems and for ...

Was the last question of yours directed to me or to Ania?

14 November 2009 15:23

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
To you, Aneta

14 November 2009 15:57

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
"Nieufnie uczymy się sobie ufać
Dźwigając kamienie przeszłości
Naiwnie wierzymy że się uda bez bólu
Napełnieni świętą radością"

Ania's translation:
"Distrustful, we are trying to trust ourselves
Bearing stamps impressed by the past
Fondly we believe in painless
Filling of world with happiness"

One line I explained above.

So, that's my explanation and literal translation

1. "Distrustfully we are trying to trust each other"
--> I mean here: Though we are usually (in general) distrustful persons, we (inspite of that)are trying to trust each other;

2. Bearing stamps impressed by the past"
--> well I can't propose anything else, because it is an idiom. In Polish language the idiom litterally sounds "Caring the stones of the past" (what means: trying to deal with the past);

3. "Fondly we believe/hope that it would be without pain"
--> Fondly we believe/hope= We are naive that we believe/hope...
-->"...that it would be without pain" - that there won't be pain anymore;

4. "Filling up with(full of) holy happiness".

Hope it was helpful, dear Lilly...



14 November 2009 16:45

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
Hum...

What about this:

"Suspiciously, we (still) try to trust each other
Carrying the past on our shoulders
Foolishly believing we'll no longer feel pain
Filled with holy joy" ?

16 November 2009 11:48

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
Girls?

16 November 2009 12:17

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Sorry, Lilly. I didn't get any notification about your post here...

IMHO your version is excellent!
Do you agree, Ania?

16 November 2009 14:34

iluvmilka
Number of messages: 77
Yes, its absolutely fine