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Översättning - Polska-Engelska - Sopocka plaża

Aktuell statusÖversättning
Denna text är tillgänglig på följande språk: PolskaEngelskaFranska

Kategori Poesi - Kärlek/Vänskap

Titel
Sopocka plaża
Text
Tillagd av Aneta B.
Källspråk: Polska

Sopocka plaża

W szumie Å‚agodnych fal
w promieniach dobrego słońca
w objęciach ciepłego piasku
Twoja obecność znajduje moją obecność

nasze oczy szukajÄ… naszych dusz
Twoje życie przeplata się z moim
niczym pasemka warkoczy

I chociaż jeszcze dużo jest słów i zdjęć
nie potrzeba nam dużo
nic prócz dotyku miłości
w dłoniach delikatnej czułości

W Twych ramionach szukam OPARCIA
i ZROZUMIENIA kobiecości mojej
Anmärkningar avseende översättningen
British English

Titel
Sopot Beach
Översättning
Engelska

Översatt av AleksanderS
Språket som det ska översättas till: Engelska

In the whisper of gentle waves
in the genial sunshine rays
in the embrace of the warm sand
Your presence finds mine

our eyes look for our souls
Your life entwines with my life
like the strands of a braid

and even though there's still plenty of words and photos
we don't need much
nothing but a touch of love
in the hands of delicate tenderness

In Your arms I look for SUPPORT
and UNDERSTANDING of my womanliness

Senast granskad eller redigerad av lilian canale - 24 Oktober 2012 00:45





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2 November 2009 23:46

Aneta B.
Antal inlägg: 4487
Beautiful translation!!!
Thank you, mister Aleksander!

2 November 2009 23:53

AleksanderS
Antal inlägg: 17
Just call me Aleksander.

Regards & good night (need to sleep or else the flue gets me).
Should you need any corrections/refinement, I'll be back tomorrow.


3 November 2009 00:06

Aneta B.
Antal inlägg: 4487
Maybe one suggestion of mine:

In the rustle of gentle waves
--> In the sound of ...

But I'd wait for an English expert.

22 Oktober 2012 21:05

tarzhig
Antal inlägg: 10
"Szum" could be translated as "rush" (which is the sound of water flowing quickly), but then it doesn't fit with the "gentle" waves. So "sound" is OK, you can also say "whisper" to make it more poetic.
"Rustle" is "szeleścić", it doesn't apply to water but to leaves or branches.

Twoje życie przeplata się z *moim*
--> You life entwines with *mine*
(to keep the same wording as in Polish)

"Photos" sounds a little clumsy. I would translate "zdjęć" as "images" or "pictures". A photo is the physical object.

But then I don't really speak Polish, so maybe an administrator could confirm this!

22 Oktober 2012 23:57

AleksanderS
Antal inlägg: 17
Regarding *mine*: to me the word *mine* would be like a shortcut here. Sometimes shortcuts work but sometimes they don't, and I'm not sure which is the case here. I would leave the decision to the Author.

Regarding *rustle*, here's what I found:
http://www.civilbeat.com/articles/2012/06/26/15790-pipe-whisperers-hear-the-rustle-of-running-water/
Seems that water can rustle in American English

Regarding *photos* - perhaps the other words could be better, but what about using *photographs* for example? Remember "if I had a photograph of you"? Check it out on Google.

23 Oktober 2012 08:31

tarzhig
Antal inlägg: 10
Weird about "rustle", I'd never heard it used that way. Why not then!

As for "mine" vs. "my life", it is much more natural to say "mine". So since that is how it's worded in Polish ("moim" ), it would be better to keep it that way.
Same goes for "Twoja obecność znajduje moją obecność": "obecność" is repeated, so I would do the same in English and not use "mine" but "my presence". Keep in mind that it's a poem, so any phrasing originally intended by the author should be kept whenever possible in a translation.

And about "photograph", it's the same word as "photo" so in this context it wouldn't really work. You'd really be referring to an actual physical object and not just an image in one's mind. Aneta would have to confirm this one, but given the context it really seems like it's a mental image we're talking about.

23 Oktober 2012 09:21

Francky5591
Antal inlägg: 12396
Hi tarzhig, unfortunately there isn't any Polish speaking admin here, but Aneta will gladly answer your questions and she will confirm or not the suggestions of improvement you brought to the translation;


23 Oktober 2012 10:43

Aneta B.
Antal inlägg: 4487
@Hi guys! Welcome back Alexander! Nice to see you here again.
It's preety nice to see that somebody still cares of the translation.
You know, it's nothing bad to improve anything after years. I sometimes change my texts many times before I get satisfied.
With hindsight I just can see things a bit differently.

Thank you both for the work!

Yes, tarzhig, I really like your suggesstions, though I still reckon that Alexander's translation is really good and I appreciate it a lot.
But I believe we can always improve sth. As I typed two years ago I also prefer
"In the sound/ (whisper, even better!) of gentle waves"
to "In the rustle of gentle waves".

It just sounds more poetic indeed.

You're right that we should always keep the same wording as it is in an original text, as long as it's possible.
Anyway, I'm not that good at English to decide. Therefore I would invite our English expert Lilian Canale again to the discussion...

"Photoes" sounded good to me, but I really don't know if "pictures" are better. Let's see what Lilian says, ok?

@ Hi Lilly,
could you please reevaluate the translation and responce to the new votes. Thank you in advance!

CC: lilian canale

23 Oktober 2012 19:55

tarzhig
Antal inlägg: 10
Hi there,

Aneta, I'm guessing that you wrote that poem. In that case, you're probably the best person to make those choices, your English *is* good enough for that.

I just realised how old that translation request was, this must all seem out of the blue to you! In any case, it's a really nice poem and I'm sure Aleksander had as good a time translating it into English as I did doing the French version.

23 Oktober 2012 23:37

Aneta B.
Antal inlägg: 4487
Thanks, tarzhig.
You know, if I could decide I would change 'rustle' --> 'whisper' (a great idea of yours!)

Then after reading the article which says that 'photos are snaps that require our photographic talent, or knowledge of lighting, setup, subjects etc. Photographs often convey a message, and have an idea of their own which is absent in most pictures', I'm FOR leaving "photos" as they are in my poem.

I wouldn't change anything else. I like wording that Alexander used to express my Polish sentences with, even if the lines are not exactly the same. "Licentia poetica" rules here.

Anyway, thanks for your input. Very creative.