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Tłumaczenie - Polski-Angielski - Sopocka plaża

Obecna pozycjaTłumaczenie
Ten tekst jest dostępny w następujęcych językach: PolskiAngielskiFrancuski

Kategoria Poezja - Miłość/ Przyjaźń

Tytuł
Sopocka plaża
Tekst
Wprowadzone przez Aneta B.
Język źródłowy: Polski

Sopocka plaża

W szumie Å‚agodnych fal
w promieniach dobrego słońca
w objęciach ciepłego piasku
Twoja obecność znajduje moją obecność

nasze oczy szukajÄ… naszych dusz
Twoje życie przeplata się z moim
niczym pasemka warkoczy

I chociaż jeszcze dużo jest słów i zdjęć
nie potrzeba nam dużo
nic prócz dotyku miłości
w dłoniach delikatnej czułości

W Twych ramionach szukam OPARCIA
i ZROZUMIENIA kobiecości mojej
Uwagi na temat tłumaczenia
British English

Tytuł
Sopot Beach
Tłumaczenie
Angielski

Tłumaczone przez AleksanderS
Język docelowy: Angielski

In the whisper of gentle waves
in the genial sunshine rays
in the embrace of the warm sand
Your presence finds mine

our eyes look for our souls
Your life entwines with my life
like the strands of a braid

and even though there's still plenty of words and photos
we don't need much
nothing but a touch of love
in the hands of delicate tenderness

In Your arms I look for SUPPORT
and UNDERSTANDING of my womanliness

Ostatnio zatwierdzony albo edytowany przez lilian canale - 24 Październik 2012 00:45





Ostatni Post

Autor
Post

2 Listopad 2009 23:46

Aneta B.
Liczba postów: 4487
Beautiful translation!!!
Thank you, mister Aleksander!

2 Listopad 2009 23:53

AleksanderS
Liczba postów: 17
Just call me Aleksander.

Regards & good night (need to sleep or else the flue gets me).
Should you need any corrections/refinement, I'll be back tomorrow.


3 Listopad 2009 00:06

Aneta B.
Liczba postów: 4487
Maybe one suggestion of mine:

In the rustle of gentle waves
--> In the sound of ...

But I'd wait for an English expert.

22 Październik 2012 21:05

tarzhig
Liczba postów: 10
"Szum" could be translated as "rush" (which is the sound of water flowing quickly), but then it doesn't fit with the "gentle" waves. So "sound" is OK, you can also say "whisper" to make it more poetic.
"Rustle" is "szeleścić", it doesn't apply to water but to leaves or branches.

Twoje życie przeplata się z *moim*
--> You life entwines with *mine*
(to keep the same wording as in Polish)

"Photos" sounds a little clumsy. I would translate "zdjęć" as "images" or "pictures". A photo is the physical object.

But then I don't really speak Polish, so maybe an administrator could confirm this!

22 Październik 2012 23:57

AleksanderS
Liczba postów: 17
Regarding *mine*: to me the word *mine* would be like a shortcut here. Sometimes shortcuts work but sometimes they don't, and I'm not sure which is the case here. I would leave the decision to the Author.

Regarding *rustle*, here's what I found:
http://www.civilbeat.com/articles/2012/06/26/15790-pipe-whisperers-hear-the-rustle-of-running-water/
Seems that water can rustle in American English

Regarding *photos* - perhaps the other words could be better, but what about using *photographs* for example? Remember "if I had a photograph of you"? Check it out on Google.

23 Październik 2012 08:31

tarzhig
Liczba postów: 10
Weird about "rustle", I'd never heard it used that way. Why not then!

As for "mine" vs. "my life", it is much more natural to say "mine". So since that is how it's worded in Polish ("moim" ), it would be better to keep it that way.
Same goes for "Twoja obecność znajduje moją obecność": "obecność" is repeated, so I would do the same in English and not use "mine" but "my presence". Keep in mind that it's a poem, so any phrasing originally intended by the author should be kept whenever possible in a translation.

And about "photograph", it's the same word as "photo" so in this context it wouldn't really work. You'd really be referring to an actual physical object and not just an image in one's mind. Aneta would have to confirm this one, but given the context it really seems like it's a mental image we're talking about.

23 Październik 2012 09:21

Francky5591
Liczba postów: 12396
Hi tarzhig, unfortunately there isn't any Polish speaking admin here, but Aneta will gladly answer your questions and she will confirm or not the suggestions of improvement you brought to the translation;


23 Październik 2012 10:43

Aneta B.
Liczba postów: 4487
@Hi guys! Welcome back Alexander! Nice to see you here again.
It's preety nice to see that somebody still cares of the translation.
You know, it's nothing bad to improve anything after years. I sometimes change my texts many times before I get satisfied.
With hindsight I just can see things a bit differently.

Thank you both for the work!

Yes, tarzhig, I really like your suggesstions, though I still reckon that Alexander's translation is really good and I appreciate it a lot.
But I believe we can always improve sth. As I typed two years ago I also prefer
"In the sound/ (whisper, even better!) of gentle waves"
to "In the rustle of gentle waves".

It just sounds more poetic indeed.

You're right that we should always keep the same wording as it is in an original text, as long as it's possible.
Anyway, I'm not that good at English to decide. Therefore I would invite our English expert Lilian Canale again to the discussion...

"Photoes" sounded good to me, but I really don't know if "pictures" are better. Let's see what Lilian says, ok?

@ Hi Lilly,
could you please reevaluate the translation and responce to the new votes. Thank you in advance!

CC: lilian canale

23 Październik 2012 19:55

tarzhig
Liczba postów: 10
Hi there,

Aneta, I'm guessing that you wrote that poem. In that case, you're probably the best person to make those choices, your English *is* good enough for that.

I just realised how old that translation request was, this must all seem out of the blue to you! In any case, it's a really nice poem and I'm sure Aleksander had as good a time translating it into English as I did doing the French version.

23 Październik 2012 23:37

Aneta B.
Liczba postów: 4487
Thanks, tarzhig.
You know, if I could decide I would change 'rustle' --> 'whisper' (a great idea of yours!)

Then after reading the article which says that 'photos are snaps that require our photographic talent, or knowledge of lighting, setup, subjects etc. Photographs often convey a message, and have an idea of their own which is absent in most pictures', I'm FOR leaving "photos" as they are in my poem.

I wouldn't change anything else. I like wording that Alexander used to express my Polish sentences with, even if the lines are not exactly the same. "Licentia poetica" rules here.

Anyway, thanks for your input. Very creative.