Translation - Pools-Engels - Sopocka plaża

Beautiful translation!!!
Thank you, mister Aleksander!

Just call me Aleksander.

Regards & good night (need to sleep or else the flue gets me).
Should you need any corrections/refinement, I'll be back tomorrow.

Maybe one suggestion of mine:

In the rustle of gentle waves
--> In the sound of ...

But I'd wait for an English expert.

"Szum" could be translated as "rush" (which is the sound of water flowing quickly), but then it doesn't fit with the "gentle" waves. So "sound" is OK, you can also say "whisper" to make it more poetic.
"Rustle" is "szeleścić", it doesn't apply to water but to leaves or branches.

Twoje życie przeplata się z *moim*
--> You life entwines with *mine*
(to keep the same wording as in Polish)

"Photos" sounds a little clumsy. I would translate "zdjęć" as "images" or "pictures". A photo is the physical object.

But then I don't really speak Polish, so maybe an administrator could confirm this!

Regarding *mine*: to me the word *mine* would be like a shortcut here. Sometimes shortcuts work but sometimes they don't, and I'm not sure which is the case here. I would leave the decision to the Author.

Regarding *rustle*, here's what I found:
http://www.civilbeat.com/articles/2012/06/26/15790-pipe-whisperers-hear-the-rustle-of-running-water/
Seems that water can rustle in American English

Regarding *photos* - perhaps the other words could be better, but what about using *photographs* for example? Remember "if I had a photograph of you"? Check it out on Google.

Weird about "rustle", I'd never heard it used that way. Why not then!

As for "mine" vs. "my life", it is much more natural to say "mine". So since that is how it's worded in Polish ("moim" ), it would be better to keep it that way.
Same goes for "Twoja obecność znajduje moją obecność": "obecność" is repeated, so I would do the same in English and not use "mine" but "my presence". Keep in mind that it's a poem, so any phrasing originally intended by the author should be kept whenever possible in a translation.

And about "photograph", it's the same word as "photo" so in this context it wouldn't really work. You'd really be referring to an actual physical object and not just an image in one's mind. Aneta would have to confirm this one, but given the context it really seems like it's a mental image we're talking about.

Hi tarzhig, unfortunately there isn't any Polish speaking admin here, but Aneta will gladly answer your questions and she will confirm or not the suggestions of improvement you brought to the translation;

@Hi guys! Welcome back Alexander! Nice to see you here again.
It's preety nice to see that somebody still cares of the translation.
You know, it's nothing bad to improve anything after years. I sometimes change my texts many times before I get satisfied.
With hindsight I just can see things a bit differently.

Thank you both for the work!

Yes, tarzhig, I really like your suggesstions, though I still reckon that Alexander's translation is really good and I appreciate it a lot.
But I believe we can always improve sth. As I typed two years ago I also prefer
"In the sound/ (whisper, even better!) of gentle waves"
to "In the rustle of gentle waves".

It just sounds more poetic indeed.

You're right that we should always keep the same wording as it is in an original text, as long as it's possible.
Anyway, I'm not that good at English to decide. Therefore I would invite our English expert Lilian Canale again to the discussion...

"Photoes" sounded good to me, but I really don't know if "pictures" are better. Let's see what Lilian says, ok?

@ Hi Lilly,
could you please reevaluate the translation and responce to the new votes. Thank you in advance!

CC: lilian canale

Hi there,

Aneta, I'm guessing that you wrote that poem. In that case, you're probably the best person to make those choices, your English *is* good enough for that.

I just realised how old that translation request was, this must all seem out of the blue to you! In any case, it's a really nice poem and I'm sure Aleksander had as good a time translating it into English as I did doing the French version.

Thanks, tarzhig.
You know, if I could decide I would change 'rustle' --> 'whisper' (a great idea of yours!)

Then after reading the article which says that 'photos are snaps that require our photographic talent, or knowledge of lighting, setup, subjects etc. Photographs often convey a message, and have an idea of their own which is absent in most pictures', I'm FOR leaving "photos" as they are in my poem.

I wouldn't change anything else. I like wording that Alexander used to express my Polish sentences with, even if the lines are not exactly the same. "Licentia poetica" rules here.

Anyway, thanks for your input. Very creative.