Översättning - Arabiska-Engelska - ميلاد العمر

Hi akli,
Based on the French version, I have a few suggestions to improve your translation

In the sweetest day of the month,
I wanted to be the first
To congratulate the one prettier than the moon,
The one dearer than the sight
And to wish her a happy birthday,
I pray to God to protect her in life
And wish her happiness and a long life.

Tell me if you agree

Hello Lilian,
Those changes really are noticeable and I'm sure that akli agree with me.

BR,

Donna 22

Hello Lilian and Donna. I agree for "happiness" of course and for "a" long life these are grammar mistakes. But for " to congratulate the One prettier than the moon" You are right to add "One" from the point of view of grammar but I think since we are dealing with poetry we can avoid some "superficial" words ( not indispensable for comprehension)otherwise the poem will be flat and uselessly long unless it is the purpose of the poet.
You preferred God rather than providence. In Arabic source text it is really ربي which means God but in the context it refers to the protection of God that we can translate to english by providence so why not!!. "Shelter forever" instead of " protect her in life", which you suggested, to avoid redundancy of the word "life".
best regards

Hi again akli

If you don't like that "one", I'd suggest:

"To congratulate who is prettier than the moon,
Dearer than the sight"


Does it sound better to you?

And to avoid repeating the world "life" we could use "protect her all the way".

What do you think?

Hi Lilian,
I do not like neither "one" nor "who is", I prefer keep "the prettier ..." since we can do without them.
On the other hand, I like too much "the way", moreover it sounds good with the precedent "birthday" more poetical.
Best regards

Hum...I think Ian can help us here.

@ Hi, Master, what do you think about the use of 'one' or 'who is'?

CC: IanMegill2

Hello,
Native speakers of English are the best to say which way the translation sounds good.
BR,
Donna 22

... Or English teachers

Here's a grammatical and spelling-corrected version of the present translation (I can't read Arabic)...
---
On the sweetest day of the month,
I wanted to be the first
To congratulate the one prettier than the moon,
The one dearer than sight,
And wish her a happy birthday,
Pray providence to be her shelter forever
And wish her happiness and long life.
---
Although the "rules" for poetry are admittedly freer than for prose, I think it would be necessary to at least meet the minimum requirements of English grammar in the above way.

Ok, thank you for your help.
Best regards

Thank you, Master