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Translation - Polish-English - Adoruję cuda Twe Stwórco Przy Tobie serca...

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Category Poetry

Title
Adoruję cuda Twe Stwórco Przy Tobie serca...
Text
Submitted by Aneta B.
Source language: Polish

AdorujÄ™ cuda Twe
Stwórco

Przy Tobie serca wiernych
z Radości doskonałej śpiewają
franciszkańskie hymny
a zatwardziałych topnieją
wnet jak wosk dają się lepić

a mądrość mędrców oddaje Ci pokłon
i już się nie pyszni
bo nagle dziwi siÄ™ i zachwyca

i wszystko CO CHCESZ potrafisz
Niezmierzony!
Ręce Twoje WSZYSTKO
w DOBRO przemieniają…
Remarks about the translation
British English (archaic)

Title
I adore Thy miracles, o Creator ...
Translation
English

Translated by iluvmilka
Target language: English

I adore Thy miracles,
O Creator

In Thy presence all the hearts of the faithful
sing, delirious in joy,
Franciscan hymns
And all the hardened hearts melt -
they can be moulded like wax

And the wise sages pay homage
And refrain from boasting
as they suddenly wonder and marvel

And everything Thou desirest, Thou canst have
Almighty God!
Thy hands turn EVERYTHING
into a BLESSING…
Validated by kafetzou - 30 September 2009 15:51





Last messages

Author
Message

24 September 2009 17:48

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Thank you, Ania!!!
Very smart and faithful translation. I have only few suggestions:

"I adore Thy miracles,
Creator

In Thy presence all the hearts of the faithful
are singing, delirious in joy (??? why not: "in a perfect joy" like in an original?),
Franciscan hymns
And all the hardened hearts are melting,
they can be moulded like wax

And the wisdom of the sages pays homage
And stops boasting
as it suddenly wonders and marvels

And everything THOU WANT, Thou can
Immense God!
Thy hands turn EVERYTHING
into BLESSING…"

27 September 2009 23:32

kafetzou
Number of messages: 7963
This looks really good.

Some suggestions:
1) If you're going to use "thy" and "thou", you need to use the old forms of the verbs too: thou wantest (or desirest), thou canst have/do ...
2) As you can see in my first suggestion, the modal verb "can" needs to be followed by a verb, either "have" or "do".
3) "in perfect joy" would be OK (no article)
4) How about "Almighty God" instead of "Immense God"?
5) I think the verb tenses in the first part would be better in simple present: sing, melt
6) Is it the wisdom that wonders and marvels, or is it the sages? Suggestion:

And the wise sages pay homage
And stop boasting
As they suddenly wonder and marvel

7) You're right about "Franciscan".

28 September 2009 15:44

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Oh, thank you, Laura!!!!
I agree with all your suggestions...
Thank you for the old forms of the verbs! I only met them sometimes reading English literature from XIX century. But I never used the forms by myself, so wouldn't know how to put them into the poems. That is why I'm so glad you have suggested the right forms...

28 September 2009 16:06

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Oh, only "Almighty" (God) isn't the most appropriate adjective in my opinion... In the original I say about God who you can't measure, because He has no the beginning and the end, and He can be everywhere in the same time, nothing limits Him...
"Unlimited" God?

And is it needed to add "wise" to "sages"? Sages=wise men...?


28 September 2009 17:07

kafetzou
Number of messages: 7963
It's just that we don't say unlimited or immense for God. We just say almighty.

28 September 2009 17:14

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Really? As you say it, I should accept "Almighty" then... Thank you once again!

But could you change the whole poem into old English, please?

29 September 2009 04:24

kafetzou
Number of messages: 7963
I adore Thy miracles,
O Creator

In Thy presence all the hearts of the faithful
sing, delirious in joy,
Franciscan hymns
And all the hardened hearts melt -
they can be moulded like wax

And the wise sages pay homage
And refrain from boasting
as they suddenly wonder and marvel

And everything Thou desirest, Thou canst have
Almighty God!
Thy hands turn EVERYTHING
into a BLESSING…

29 September 2009 08:58

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Thank you!
I think we can accept it now!

30 September 2009 08:33

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Laura, you didn't insert all the changes we had been talking about and you accepted. Why?

30 September 2009 15:49

kafetzou
Number of messages: 7963
Because it was for you, and you had the changes you wanted. But I'll do that.

30 September 2009 15:55

Aneta B.
Number of messages: 4487
Thank you, Laura, so much!