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Translation - Hebrew-English - מותק אני עומד מתחת חלונך

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Title
מותק אני עומד מתחת חלונך
Text
Submitted by chicita
Source language: Hebrew

מותק אני עומד מתחת חלונך
מותק אבל מרגיש כל כך רחוק ממך
מותק תראי מה שקורה לי בגללך
מתי סוף סוף תהיי שלי

Title
Baby I am standing beneath your window
Translation
English

Translated by libera
Target language: English

Baby, I am standing beneath your window
Baby, but feeling so far away from you
Baby, look what's happening to me because of you
When will you at long last be mine?
Remarks about the translation
the translation is in keeping with the words and their meaning, and I didn't attempt to make it rhyme like the original. Let me know if you require that.
Validated by lilian canale - 19 July 2008 18:58





Last messages

Author
Message

15 July 2008 15:55

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
Hi libera,

Poetry is always tough.

I would suggest to shorten this line:
"look what's happening to me because of you " to:
"look what you cause me"
and I'd use "finally" instead of "at long last".

What do you think?

15 July 2008 21:57

libera
Number of messages: 257
I wasn't trying for poetry. if my memory serves me correctly, this was for 'meaning only' - and I've asked the requester whether she would like it to be poetic. if she does, I'll have a load of fun making it rhyme and have a meter. as it is, I don't really mind one way or another. at this stage, I just kept it as close to the original as possible, as is my policy to do unless requested otherwise.

15 July 2008 22:14

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
Well, firstly this request is not "meaning only".
Secondly, I was not demanding any poetic measure or rhyme from you. If the requestor wanted any of those s/he would have requested "high quality".
What I tried to do by suggesting those changes was making the piece more natural in English.
I don't think my suggestions changed the original meaning in any way. Am I wrong?

Besides, I didn't say the structure you proposed was wrong.

15 July 2008 22:22

libera
Number of messages: 257
your suggestions most certainly didn't change the original meaning. although "look what you cause me" is debatable in my view, the translation I gave for that line is definitely not what I'd call good English. as I mentioned in my previous message, I don't mind one way or the other. I had actually been divided between "finally" and "at long last", and at the end ruled in favor of the latter because it did kind of sound more 'poetic' to me.

15 July 2008 22:30

lilian canale
Number of messages: 14972
OK, let's set a poll and check its accuracy.