Yes, it's much better. As you're the expert and as the meaning is correct I agree with you, but I guess we will have a lot of vote against.
May I edit?
Vay Coseb, vayyy...
In Romanian, I`ve translate the first line into:
"I wonder why..., when it comes to me life is not like in a fairy tale."
But the rest of the lines are same, word by word, just like the original text! Your version is... unbelieveable...!!
But I like it Because you are incredible!!